30th November 2012
Two years later
30th November 2012
Dear unknown,
You were conceived 24 days ago. 23 days ago, I took the morning after pill. 7 days ago I found out you existed, and 10 hours ago, I murdered you.
I'm so sorry, you are only a billion cells right now, made up of me and your dad. I don't know if you were going to be a boy or a girl, but I do know I am an extremely selfish person for taking you away from this world, from meeting me and your dad, and your beautiful sister.
Princess is 2 and a half now. She is so full of life, she talks so much and learns so quickly. I don't have any good reasons for letting you go. They are all selfish.
I just got promoted. I've not finished uni yet. I'm barely able to handle Princess on my own, let alone another child.
But my real reason is I simply couldn't bring myself to go through 9 months of pregnancy, and 2 and a half years of a baby again on my own. I remember how painful it was for me. Your dad said that he would be more supportive of you this time around. I don't believe him. I don't trust that he will help me, or give me the support I so dearly wanted with for your sister.
We still just exist together. We are best friends, with benefits. He still doesn't love me, still hasn't changed a nappy, still doesn't show me any public affection. I miss that. I miss holding hands, I miss the kiss goodbye in the morning, and the "I love you" before I go to sleep.
I didn't want to bring you up in a loveless environment, where I feel guilty admitting that I still love him.
I bought a watch today to remind me of you. It's pink, because deep down I think you were going to be a beautiful baby girl.
I dreamt of you every night this week, about all the different ways I was going to kill you and I sincerely hope I learn from this horrible mistake.
You would have been born close to 1/8/14. Maybe I will be ready for you to come back, but if I'm not, I hope your soul goes to a family who loves you.
Mum
xoxo
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30th November 2012
Dear unknown,
You were conceived 24 days ago. 23 days ago, I took the morning after pill. 7 days ago I found out you existed, and 10 hours ago, I murdered you.
I'm so sorry, you are only a billion cells right now, made up of me and your dad. I don't know if you were going to be a boy or a girl, but I do know I am an extremely selfish person for taking you away from this world, from meeting me and your dad, and your beautiful sister.
Princess is 2 and a half now. She is so full of life, she talks so much and learns so quickly. I don't have any good reasons for letting you go. They are all selfish.
I just got promoted. I've not finished uni yet. I'm barely able to handle Princess on my own, let alone another child.
But my real reason is I simply couldn't bring myself to go through 9 months of pregnancy, and 2 and a half years of a baby again on my own. I remember how painful it was for me. Your dad said that he would be more supportive of you this time around. I don't believe him. I don't trust that he will help me, or give me the support I so dearly wanted with for your sister.
We still just exist together. We are best friends, with benefits. He still doesn't love me, still hasn't changed a nappy, still doesn't show me any public affection. I miss that. I miss holding hands, I miss the kiss goodbye in the morning, and the "I love you" before I go to sleep.
I didn't want to bring you up in a loveless environment, where I feel guilty admitting that I still love him.
I bought a watch today to remind me of you. It's pink, because deep down I think you were going to be a beautiful baby girl.
I dreamt of you every night this week, about all the different ways I was going to kill you and I sincerely hope I learn from this horrible mistake.
You would have been born close to 1/8/14. Maybe I will be ready for you to come back, but if I'm not, I hope your soul goes to a family who loves you.
Mum
xoxo
Was this the first entry you read. Head back to the start so you get the full picture.
Click here to read the next journal entry
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