29th May 2010
29th May 2010
Hey,
Day 6 and my mouth is still sore. I went to the dentist today and he said it will take another week. It’s terrible. I have to stop taking Codeine because I think it's making you constipated. It's making me feel so guilty. Speaking of you, you're awake now...
Hi Again,
I feel like shit. I want to write something to get it off my chest, but not necessarily to you because you shouldn't have to read it. Heck, I probably won't give this to you anyway. I have been seriously thinking of leaving your father for the last few days. Being in bed, I think too much. It's been 9 months nearly since we broke up. Probably 11 months since he told me he loved me or kissed me and I'm wondering should I do something for myself and leave, or stay for you????
Should I be selfish and be happy, or stay and feel nothing but doubt, regret, and sorrow?
He went out last night, apparently, he enjoyed himself which was good. When he got home and came to bed, one thing led to another and we were fooling around. I kissed him and felt this surge of passion and I wanted to tell him I loved him...
I kissed him later on in the day and it was awkward. Obviously, he hadn't felt it. I'm just a puppet. A live-in maid.
This morning his best friend called and asked him to go Four-Wheel-Driving tomorrow. I reminded him for the second time that I was going to Phillip Island so I need the car. I remembered all the times he told me I would ruin his life if I went through with having you, and I really felt it then. I made him miss out because I needed the car. He made me feel so guilty. (I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and Endometriosis, I had to have my ovaries drilled to let out all my eggs out to have you. He was all for it. He supported it, wanted to be a dad. Well, it turned out when I found out I was pregnant, he changed his mind and told me to terminate you. I could have slapped him).
I did try and tell him to see if the car seat fits in his car and he might be able to still go. It just means I wouldn't be able to take Chloe with me, but he wasn’t interested.
Then he said, “I don’t even like the guy,” meaning your great grandfather and he’s right because I don’t respect him because he showed nothing but disrespect towards my nanna. She was his maid, cooked, cleaned and was there for him to bark orders from the couch, he told us to be quiet when we were having fun. He is a horrible man, but nanna would want me to go tomorrow.
So what do I do? Do I leave? Do I give him back his life and then I can also have mine? It seems like a win-win situation on paper. Then again, he has only ruined his own life because he has known that his work ute would be a problem for 9 months and he hasn’t done anything about it.
While the Patrol was getting fixed, we had no option but to take the Ute. I held you in my arms. It was so irresponsible, a small accident and god forbid you could have been killed. I would never forgive myself. But I couldn't argue with him, we needed food, and that was my only option as he wouldn't let me drive the ute, he wouldn't go shopping on his own, and I had no money to catch a taxi. I have asked him so many times to ask his work for a different car. Others have done it but he hasn't. He hasn't even organized a car seat point in the ute, so like tomorrow when he wants to take the 4WD I could have taken the Ute. Ah well, I gotta go as he's almost up.
Love you
Mum
xoxo
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Hey,
Day 6 and my mouth is still sore. I went to the dentist today and he said it will take another week. It’s terrible. I have to stop taking Codeine because I think it's making you constipated. It's making me feel so guilty. Speaking of you, you're awake now...
Hi Again,
I feel like shit. I want to write something to get it off my chest, but not necessarily to you because you shouldn't have to read it. Heck, I probably won't give this to you anyway. I have been seriously thinking of leaving your father for the last few days. Being in bed, I think too much. It's been 9 months nearly since we broke up. Probably 11 months since he told me he loved me or kissed me and I'm wondering should I do something for myself and leave, or stay for you????
Should I be selfish and be happy, or stay and feel nothing but doubt, regret, and sorrow?
He went out last night, apparently, he enjoyed himself which was good. When he got home and came to bed, one thing led to another and we were fooling around. I kissed him and felt this surge of passion and I wanted to tell him I loved him...
I kissed him later on in the day and it was awkward. Obviously, he hadn't felt it. I'm just a puppet. A live-in maid.
This morning his best friend called and asked him to go Four-Wheel-Driving tomorrow. I reminded him for the second time that I was going to Phillip Island so I need the car. I remembered all the times he told me I would ruin his life if I went through with having you, and I really felt it then. I made him miss out because I needed the car. He made me feel so guilty. (I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and Endometriosis, I had to have my ovaries drilled to let out all my eggs out to have you. He was all for it. He supported it, wanted to be a dad. Well, it turned out when I found out I was pregnant, he changed his mind and told me to terminate you. I could have slapped him).
I did try and tell him to see if the car seat fits in his car and he might be able to still go. It just means I wouldn't be able to take Chloe with me, but he wasn’t interested.
Then he said, “I don’t even like the guy,” meaning your great grandfather and he’s right because I don’t respect him because he showed nothing but disrespect towards my nanna. She was his maid, cooked, cleaned and was there for him to bark orders from the couch, he told us to be quiet when we were having fun. He is a horrible man, but nanna would want me to go tomorrow.
So what do I do? Do I leave? Do I give him back his life and then I can also have mine? It seems like a win-win situation on paper. Then again, he has only ruined his own life because he has known that his work ute would be a problem for 9 months and he hasn’t done anything about it.
While the Patrol was getting fixed, we had no option but to take the Ute. I held you in my arms. It was so irresponsible, a small accident and god forbid you could have been killed. I would never forgive myself. But I couldn't argue with him, we needed food, and that was my only option as he wouldn't let me drive the ute, he wouldn't go shopping on his own, and I had no money to catch a taxi. I have asked him so many times to ask his work for a different car. Others have done it but he hasn't. He hasn't even organized a car seat point in the ute, so like tomorrow when he wants to take the 4WD I could have taken the Ute. Ah well, I gotta go as he's almost up.
Love you
Mum
xoxo
Was this the first entry you read. Head back to the start so you get the full picture.
Click here to read the next journal entry
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