1st December 2017
Two and a half years later...
1st December 2017
Hi Princess,
So I finally left...and now I'm reflecting on all the lost years I have.
Your dad never said I love you". He even got straight to the hurtful truth that he doesn't even care about me. He never did anything I asked without an argument. I am emotionally worn down, physically tired. I have nothing more to give.
Over the years, I have made excuses for him and consistently justified his bad behavior on the Aspbergers.
I continuously put his needs first, before my dreams and goals.
I lost Chloe, my German Shephard because I didn't have the time or energy to look after her. I lost an unborn child, I lost financial security, all self-esteem, and confidence.
I have not been verbally told, "I love you" in over 8 years. I have been living by a set of your dad's rules, which made me feel like shit and pushed me further and further into an empty shell.
And why did I keep going back? A glimmer of hope that the old man I loved would come back out to play. That he would hold me, and tell me everything I wanted to hear, and ultimately that my family values are so strong, that I was willing to settle for your dad to treat me like his mother. Without respect.
It wasn't all bad, there were good days and I felt peace in the violence because I knew what was expected of me. I knew the rules. I knew if I acted out, I would be punished with his silence until in his mind, I no longer existed. I also knew how to exist again, by feeding/paying for his dinner.
Looking back at all my journal entries, my hope was so strong, I justified everything, made excuses, I wasn't strong enough to say, "I'm putting me first for a change".
I have sought out a psychologist to find out why I put up with your dad for so long and why I was so lonely that I turned to a journal and wrote to you. She said that the upbringing I had was so painful for me, that I couldn't bear to see you go through the same issues. That's true. and that I chose to write to you (even though there is no way in this world I will ever tell you these journal entries exist) because I was really writing to my inner child and wishing I had all the things that I want to give to you.
It's complex. It's painful. It hurts and I cry, alot. Now I cry for me, not because your dad will never love me, or that I'm frustrated. I cry because I'm a hurt little girl that wants to be loved and taken care of.
About a year ago, things were really good. I had been living on my own with you in a little rental apartment in Brighton. Your dad had moved into the apartment we had bought together. I had just enough money to pay off my car, I bought a Cavoodle puppy, and I was happy. You saw your dad every Wednesday and every second weekend.
To say I was tearing my hair out with you was an understatement. I was stressed out. My job was taking up 70 hours a week of my time. I was on call for the other hours. I wasn't sleeping, and to top it off, I had to drive every day for 3 hours to drop you to and from creche and work because you hadn't started school yet.
My job was horrible, but my life was starting to get back on track. Then I received a phone call from your dad. "I can't take Princess anymore." It was so out of the blue. I asked why. "I haven't paid by electrically for over a year, and they have disconnected me" I mean, who doesn't pay their electricity bill for over a year?????
He was living in complete darkness. I went over there and he wouldn't let me up to the apartment. I was worried about him. He was fragile about the whole Aspbergers thing, he had been to support groups and had accepted it, but he wasn't happy. He had disowned his family for no real reasons. He ignored text messages of well-wishes from everyone else, except for me.
I sent him a message that I struggled to write, struggled to send, and held my breath for his reply... "Do you want to stay with me until you get the electricity back on?" I didn't want him to live with me. I didn't want him to start controlling my life again. I didn't want to love him again. He replied with "OK" I was crushed, and I started to cry.
So he moved in. I was clear to him, it was my house, my rules (which were very few, actually, I didn't have any! I was so burnt by a life of living with "Dad rules" that when I moved out onto my own, I religiously didn't make any!) He agreed and to my happy surprise, the "old Daddy" came back to play.
It was fun to have him there, he was normal, life was good. My lease was coming to an end and my Cavoodle really needed a balcony at least. Your dad's apartment had a balcony, and he had almost paid the years amount of electricity for them to agree to turn the power back on. Your dad asked me to move in with him...I hesitated, and said "OK"
I knew I shouldn't have done it. I knew back then that I would live to regret that decision, but I made it anyway. I moved in, and the rules started. The financial abuse started again. I was paying him more rent than I was paying for rent in my own apartment. He started complaining about the food I was providing for him (because it was my job to cook apparently), he started complaining about the mess I wasn't cleaning up (because I was his maid apparently). He complained about you, he started torturing my dog, he started torturing me.
I watched a TV series about a woman in a domestic violence situation. The psychologist said to her she needs an escape plan. So if she needed to, she could just leave straight away.
That hung over me. I started talking about wanting to get a campervan which I could take on holidays, but secretly, it would be my escape plan. He didn't believe me when I said I had got out a loan and purchased one. He didn't believe me a few weeks later when he had used all my money once again before putting his hand in his own pocket, that I was moving out, into the van.
He didn't know that I had been applying for rentals for over a month without any luck. Having a dog was a huge barrier. He didn't know that I had literally decided it was safer for me to move into the van and become homeless than it was to endure his control, rules, conditions, moods and mind fucking any longer.
So I was homeless for 6 weeks. For the first few weeks, I was loving it. I would find a different spot each night to sleep, near the beach, parks etc. I joined the gym and was going every morning because I could then have a shower after the workout. I found a laundromat with free wifi and a spot I could charge up all my electronic devices.
But then, a few things happened that scared me enough to move back in. We had just finished having Fish'n'Chips and I was parked near the station. We were in the back of the van, we couldn't see out, but that meant no-one could see in. About 50 teenage boys started smashing bottles on the van, yelling obscenities and it scared the crap out of me. Obviously, I drove to the beach and stayed that night away from anyone, but it worried me, that no-one would hear my screams either.
The next incident was about 10:30PM at night. I was in the van just reading emails about to fall asleep, and this creep knocked on the van. Again, I couldn't see out, but that meant he couldn't see in. I froze and peeked behind the insulation on the back window to watch the weirdo walk away.
The straw that broke my back, as I was at a family engagement a woman reversed into my car and broke my mirror. The van has no side windows other than the front, so the mirror is the only thing you have to change lanes etc. Head checks are useless! This meant I could no longer drive the van safely. I cried all the way home. I had hit rock bottom. I drove to your dad's house and said I needed to move back in.
He told me I could sleep on a mattress on the loungeroom floor. I couldn't do anything else but agree. I still couldn't get any rentals. Life was horrible. Your dad was powerful and was getting away with treating me worse than before because he knew I had nowhere else to go.
I then had to call the police on him, and it was all over from there.
I'm now living at my sister's house, and to say I feel like a burden is an understatement.
Life is a mess. I'm a mess. I'm trying to hold it together for you, but inside I'm a disaster waiting to explode.
I can't go back. I'm broke. I don't even have enough money for a bond if I was successful at getting one and I am too scared to be in the van, so I need to sell it. But the memories hurt, and I can't face making any decisions at the moment because I don't trust myself to make the right one.
I'm numb but I know I am a strong woman and I am so lucky that my sister has taken us in.
I keep thinking, 6 months ago I was out of the toxic cycle. I had my own rental. My life was getting back on track, I had started making plans to buy my own house and then I let your dad back into my heart, and my world fell apart all over again.
From now on, my heart has room only for you and our teddy bear Cavoodle, and hopefully one day soon, it will also have room for me.
I'm sorry Princess that I failed to give you a together and loving family. I'm sorry that your baby years were filled with craving for the love that I was also craving for. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to realize my hopes and dreams were nothing but a delusional attempt at happiness.
From now on, I will be your loving family. You already have my love, you don't need to crave it! I will try and build a successful future for you, and hopefully give you a home you enjoy to be in.
I love you Princess
Mum
xoxo
Was this the first entry you read. Head back to the start so you get the full picture.
1st December 2017
Hi Princess,
So I finally left...and now I'm reflecting on all the lost years I have.
Your dad never said I love you". He even got straight to the hurtful truth that he doesn't even care about me. He never did anything I asked without an argument. I am emotionally worn down, physically tired. I have nothing more to give.
Over the years, I have made excuses for him and consistently justified his bad behavior on the Aspbergers.
I continuously put his needs first, before my dreams and goals.
I lost Chloe, my German Shephard because I didn't have the time or energy to look after her. I lost an unborn child, I lost financial security, all self-esteem, and confidence.
I have not been verbally told, "I love you" in over 8 years. I have been living by a set of your dad's rules, which made me feel like shit and pushed me further and further into an empty shell.
And why did I keep going back? A glimmer of hope that the old man I loved would come back out to play. That he would hold me, and tell me everything I wanted to hear, and ultimately that my family values are so strong, that I was willing to settle for your dad to treat me like his mother. Without respect.
It wasn't all bad, there were good days and I felt peace in the violence because I knew what was expected of me. I knew the rules. I knew if I acted out, I would be punished with his silence until in his mind, I no longer existed. I also knew how to exist again, by feeding/paying for his dinner.
Looking back at all my journal entries, my hope was so strong, I justified everything, made excuses, I wasn't strong enough to say, "I'm putting me first for a change".
I have sought out a psychologist to find out why I put up with your dad for so long and why I was so lonely that I turned to a journal and wrote to you. She said that the upbringing I had was so painful for me, that I couldn't bear to see you go through the same issues. That's true. and that I chose to write to you (even though there is no way in this world I will ever tell you these journal entries exist) because I was really writing to my inner child and wishing I had all the things that I want to give to you.
It's complex. It's painful. It hurts and I cry, alot. Now I cry for me, not because your dad will never love me, or that I'm frustrated. I cry because I'm a hurt little girl that wants to be loved and taken care of.
About a year ago, things were really good. I had been living on my own with you in a little rental apartment in Brighton. Your dad had moved into the apartment we had bought together. I had just enough money to pay off my car, I bought a Cavoodle puppy, and I was happy. You saw your dad every Wednesday and every second weekend.
To say I was tearing my hair out with you was an understatement. I was stressed out. My job was taking up 70 hours a week of my time. I was on call for the other hours. I wasn't sleeping, and to top it off, I had to drive every day for 3 hours to drop you to and from creche and work because you hadn't started school yet.
My job was horrible, but my life was starting to get back on track. Then I received a phone call from your dad. "I can't take Princess anymore." It was so out of the blue. I asked why. "I haven't paid by electrically for over a year, and they have disconnected me" I mean, who doesn't pay their electricity bill for over a year?????
He was living in complete darkness. I went over there and he wouldn't let me up to the apartment. I was worried about him. He was fragile about the whole Aspbergers thing, he had been to support groups and had accepted it, but he wasn't happy. He had disowned his family for no real reasons. He ignored text messages of well-wishes from everyone else, except for me.
I sent him a message that I struggled to write, struggled to send, and held my breath for his reply... "Do you want to stay with me until you get the electricity back on?" I didn't want him to live with me. I didn't want him to start controlling my life again. I didn't want to love him again. He replied with "OK" I was crushed, and I started to cry.
So he moved in. I was clear to him, it was my house, my rules (which were very few, actually, I didn't have any! I was so burnt by a life of living with "Dad rules" that when I moved out onto my own, I religiously didn't make any!) He agreed and to my happy surprise, the "old Daddy" came back to play.
It was fun to have him there, he was normal, life was good. My lease was coming to an end and my Cavoodle really needed a balcony at least. Your dad's apartment had a balcony, and he had almost paid the years amount of electricity for them to agree to turn the power back on. Your dad asked me to move in with him...I hesitated, and said "OK"
I knew I shouldn't have done it. I knew back then that I would live to regret that decision, but I made it anyway. I moved in, and the rules started. The financial abuse started again. I was paying him more rent than I was paying for rent in my own apartment. He started complaining about the food I was providing for him (because it was my job to cook apparently), he started complaining about the mess I wasn't cleaning up (because I was his maid apparently). He complained about you, he started torturing my dog, he started torturing me.
I watched a TV series about a woman in a domestic violence situation. The psychologist said to her she needs an escape plan. So if she needed to, she could just leave straight away.
That hung over me. I started talking about wanting to get a campervan which I could take on holidays, but secretly, it would be my escape plan. He didn't believe me when I said I had got out a loan and purchased one. He didn't believe me a few weeks later when he had used all my money once again before putting his hand in his own pocket, that I was moving out, into the van.
He didn't know that I had been applying for rentals for over a month without any luck. Having a dog was a huge barrier. He didn't know that I had literally decided it was safer for me to move into the van and become homeless than it was to endure his control, rules, conditions, moods and mind fucking any longer.
So I was homeless for 6 weeks. For the first few weeks, I was loving it. I would find a different spot each night to sleep, near the beach, parks etc. I joined the gym and was going every morning because I could then have a shower after the workout. I found a laundromat with free wifi and a spot I could charge up all my electronic devices.
But then, a few things happened that scared me enough to move back in. We had just finished having Fish'n'Chips and I was parked near the station. We were in the back of the van, we couldn't see out, but that meant no-one could see in. About 50 teenage boys started smashing bottles on the van, yelling obscenities and it scared the crap out of me. Obviously, I drove to the beach and stayed that night away from anyone, but it worried me, that no-one would hear my screams either.
The next incident was about 10:30PM at night. I was in the van just reading emails about to fall asleep, and this creep knocked on the van. Again, I couldn't see out, but that meant he couldn't see in. I froze and peeked behind the insulation on the back window to watch the weirdo walk away.
The straw that broke my back, as I was at a family engagement a woman reversed into my car and broke my mirror. The van has no side windows other than the front, so the mirror is the only thing you have to change lanes etc. Head checks are useless! This meant I could no longer drive the van safely. I cried all the way home. I had hit rock bottom. I drove to your dad's house and said I needed to move back in.
He told me I could sleep on a mattress on the loungeroom floor. I couldn't do anything else but agree. I still couldn't get any rentals. Life was horrible. Your dad was powerful and was getting away with treating me worse than before because he knew I had nowhere else to go.
I then had to call the police on him, and it was all over from there.
I'm now living at my sister's house, and to say I feel like a burden is an understatement.
Life is a mess. I'm a mess. I'm trying to hold it together for you, but inside I'm a disaster waiting to explode.
I can't go back. I'm broke. I don't even have enough money for a bond if I was successful at getting one and I am too scared to be in the van, so I need to sell it. But the memories hurt, and I can't face making any decisions at the moment because I don't trust myself to make the right one.
I'm numb but I know I am a strong woman and I am so lucky that my sister has taken us in.
I keep thinking, 6 months ago I was out of the toxic cycle. I had my own rental. My life was getting back on track, I had started making plans to buy my own house and then I let your dad back into my heart, and my world fell apart all over again.
From now on, my heart has room only for you and our teddy bear Cavoodle, and hopefully one day soon, it will also have room for me.
I'm sorry Princess that I failed to give you a together and loving family. I'm sorry that your baby years were filled with craving for the love that I was also craving for. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to realize my hopes and dreams were nothing but a delusional attempt at happiness.
From now on, I will be your loving family. You already have my love, you don't need to crave it! I will try and build a successful future for you, and hopefully give you a home you enjoy to be in.
I love you Princess
Mum
xoxo
Was this the first entry you read. Head back to the start so you get the full picture.
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