10th January 2010

On Thursday 23rd of November, 2017 I called the police on my X and ended an abuse cycle which lasted 11 years. Today I found journals I had written seven years earlier. My thoughts were exactly the same. If only, I left back then, I would have a completely different life right now.

10th January 2010

Dear Cassidy, 

Today you are 23 weeks and 3 days old. I'm pretty excited to be having you and I thought I would keep a journal so one day you can read it. Firstly I will tell you a bit about me at the moment, your mum :) it will take a little while to get used to that!

I'm 24 years old. I work as a Care Coordinator aiming to keep clients with disabilities in the home with care instead of in a nursing home. I'm living with your Dad in Endeavour Hills (which is currently an absolute dump as we are renovating it) 

We have a pet German Shepherd, Chloe who is a long-haired breed and absolutely gorgeous! and a pet ginger cat Mackenzie who is good to have around, but also very annoying. 

My Ford Fairmont Ghia, 2000 is currently in the driveway, going nowhere as I had a car accident when you I was 12 weeks pregnant. It's ok, nothing serious, but I hurt my knee, you were fine. 

Your Dad and I have been together for 3 years (My current self is interrupting this! This comment doesn't make sense, as you will see below, we broke up, so saying we were together is obviously me in denial) in July but known each other for about 3.5 years. I used to be his boss at my previous job as a pizza shop manager. We were both good looking when we met each other, but since then we have put a bit too much weight on. Hopefully, when you are born I can lose it all again. 

Your grandma, my mum lives in Queensland with your two aunties and your Grandad, my dad lives in Melbourne. Your grandma and grandpa (your dad's parents) live in Melbourne with two uncles and an auntie. 

My favorites:

• I crave strawberry milkshakes!
• I have a weakness for chocolates
• My favorite place is the beach
• My favorite person is my nanna RIP
• My favorite musician is Darren Hayes
• I listen to Fox FM
• My favorite TV show is Neighbours
• My favorite movies are Cruel Intentions, The Matrix and What Dreams May Come
• My favorite memory is nanna giving me my doll, Maggie when I was 2
• I like to get lost in a book and to sleep in
• I hate cooked tomatoes!

It's 38 degrees today and we have to pull up all the tiles in the loungeroom and clear all the bedrooms so we can get carpet laid tomorrow. We also get a new toilet! It's funny the things you take for granted. 

I have decided to call you Cassidy, it's Irish for 'clever'. For years now I have always wanted to call my little girl Kathryn Ellen, but your dad didn't like it very much. Kathryn is the lead role in Cruel Intentions and she wasn't a very nice person, but I just liked the way Kathryn was spelled and sounded.

Your dad and I used to have a cat called Cassidy when we first moved out together and she was such a gentle beautiful cat and somehow the name suited. 

If you were going to be a boy, (which I was sure you were up until the 20-week ultrasound) we would have called you Alexander Mackenzie Scott. I'm delighted you are a girl though, my own little princess. 

Your dad is very much his own person. He is a beautiful person but can sometimes be very stubborn and selfish, which can drive me crazy! We were engaged on 13/7/09. I proposed after a day at Falls Creek at a little Bright restaurant. I bought him a white gold necklace as my proposal gift and we bought my ring before we left. Proposing was supposed to be a surprise, but I can't keep secrets!

Unfortunately, a week before I found out I was pregnant, we broke up. (My current self-interrupting again! Looking back, I should have moved out then and moved on with my life). It's been a difficult 6 months but I think we are much better now. We are still not together, but I hope someday sooner rather than later he will decide he wants to have me because I can think of nothing better to have him forever. Then we could have the family that I never had. Broken families are horrible and I hope we can get back together so you will never have to experience it. I love your father :)

I should really get back to ripping up these tiles. 

Love Always

Mum

xoxo

My current self interrupting again! Why didn't I leave? I still crazily hoped that the X that I knew up until we got engaged would emerge and come back to play. 7 years on, I was still hanging onto that denial. It's so silly.

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