Domestic Violence - The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back

Five days ago I called the police on someone I thought that I loved.

The day seemed so normal, like any other day, yet when I woke up, I didn’t think the day would end an on-again, off-again relationship of 11 years...

After work, I was exhausted. I was physically and emotionally drained. It was my first night off from working 3 jobs in over a week. I was really looking forward to watching crap on tv and thinking about nothing for a change.

When the X got home, he sarcastically asked if I had made pizza for him, (a few days before I told him I was no longer paying for his dinners because I couldn’t afford it. A financial abuse story for another time.) I told him that I didn’t go out of my way to make him dinner, however, there were leftovers, so he was welcome to have those. He stated they look like shit, I’ll get my own dinner. “Whatever,” was my constant go-to reply.

He sat down on the couch, I listened to him vent about his day, and how he bullies his colleagues. A series of, “that’s not normal” “that’s not ok” were my replies, but they fell on deaf ears.

My teddy bear of a dog, came tentatively up to him, tail between his legs and looked up with a longing look, of “please be my friend today” the X, gruffly told him he looked pathetic and to go to bed. I called for him to jump up on me, the X purposely struck his leg just as my teddy bear jumped up on the couch and he fell to the floor. I scolded the X, then called to jump back up, he looked at me, then at the X, then decided the cuddles weren't worth the risk and sulked to his bed.

I called out to my daughter to get ready for bed. I was scolded by my X immediately “Don’t yell with the back door open” (yet it’s ok for him to do it). I got off the couch and told her to get into the shower.

Once out of the shower, I asked her to go to bed. The X, said, “she can’t, she needs to do her reading recovery.” My Princess was as exhausted as I was, her eyes had dark circles underneath them, she was ready for bed. I said we would do it in the morning, the X ignored me and told Princess to go and get her stuff.

Princess started crying because she couldn’t spell password, so I reassured her we would do it in the morning. The X started telling me I was lazy, that I signed the reading recovery contract, that it was mandatory that I do it tonight. Princess was screaming at this stage. All I could say was “I’m tired, Princess is tired, I’ll do it in the morning.” I hugged and kissed Princess and told her to go to bed.

10 minutes later, Princess got out of bed and asked for dessert. I said no, and told her to go back to bed. Shrieking for dessert, I started my threat that she would lose Minecraft the following day if she doesn't go to bed. I counted to 2, and she went back to bed.

I packed up my stuff and took myself to bed as well. It was only 8:30 PM.

I was asleep by 9:00 PM but was awoken by the X, telling me that I need to get my dog out of his room. I couldn’t be bothered arguing, I called for him to come, but the X was blocking his way. My dog nervously paced side to side, but the X moved with him, purposely blocking his path. My dog ended up barking at the X angrily that he was tormenting him. The X-yelled at me to make the dog shut up.

I told the X to leave him alone, whimpering, my dog jumped onto the bed and curled up next to my chest. I attempted to go back to sleep.

Half an hour later, I heard Princess crying. I got up, asked her if anything was wrong, she said no, I told her that I was in bed, so she needs to sleep. She stopped crying, I went back to bed.

I was back in bed and started to drift off when the X opened my bedroom door and turned on the light. I was too tired to deal with his shit. I asked him to turn the light off, he wouldn’t. I told him to leave me alone. He wouldn’t. I told him to respect my space. He didn’t. I turned off the light and rolled over. He turned the light back on. (Last time I pulled that move he pulled the covers off me when I continued to ignore him, he started dragging me by the legs out into the loungeroom)

“What do you want?” I asked desperately. “You need to fix your daughter”, he said. “You mean, OUR Daughter? She just needs to sleep” I replied. “She needs panadol,” he said, “no, she doesn’t, she needs to sleep, she’s overstimulated, turn the tv down so she can sleep”. He wouldn’t budge and continued to hold the doorway.

I screamed for him to leave me alone, that the bedroom was my space, that he needs to get out. His reply was “it’s my house I can do whatever I want”. I made a threat that I have only ever done once before, “Do I need to call the police for you to leave me alone?”

“You need to pack your shit and get out now." was his response.

It was 10:30 PM. I had nowhere else to go.

A couple of months earlier after he had made me spend every cent I had, I needed milk, and he refused to buy some, it was after that argument, that I chose to be homeless and to live in a van, however after a couple of scary incidents, I moved back it, because I decided that it was safer being emotional, psychologically and financially abused, than it was to live in a van on the street...

"I'm not leaving, I've paid my rent, you need to just get out of my room, and leave me alone," I said. "no, get out, I'll send your rent money back". He was still standing in the doorway. I was tired, I just wanted to sleep. I thought about leaving, getting back in my van, packing my stuff, Bailey and Princess but it seemed like a mammoth task.

I tried my luck one more time, "please leave me alone." "no, fix your daughter. You're always making empty threats, your a narcissist, always trying to get your way, why should I leave you alone?" he said, "because of this right here, this is domestic violence" I retaliated.  The X laughed and said, "call the cops, waste their time, they'll just think your crazy". (he made me believe wholeheartedly that I was a narcissist a few years earlier, he didn't know I wanted to kill myself over it and when I went to the Psychologist and blurted out, "I think I'm a narcissist", she laughed at me. He will never know the manipulation and the white lies I was using was to protect myself from him).

So I called the cops. He stood over me, in the doorway for the duration of the call. As soon as I hung up, he left the doorway and sat back down on the couch. I left the apartment and waited for what seemed like an eternity for the police to come. With tears streaming uncontrollably down my cheeks, I rehashed the story.

He makes me pay rent, but there's no formal arrangement (even though he refused to pay a cent when he lived in my house because I felt sorry for him when he had his electricity cut off because he didn't pay it for over a year).

There's no formal custody arrangement because he refused to sign the agreement. My responses were met with, "there isn't a lot we can do without formal arrangements in place. What's the best outcome we can achieve tonight?" I wanted to say, "shoot him" but I knew I had no right to make him leave because it wouldn't hold up in court. "Can you just make him let me stay the night, and I'll pack up everything in the morning and leave."

Utterly defeated. I had one night sleep between me and homelessness.

The X was sickly sweet to the cops. They told him he couldn't speak to me for 12 hours. They came and got me from the hallway, and said someone will call you tomorrow. "If you have nowhere to go, tell them".

That call never came. I waited for it all day, and all day the next day. 5 days later, it still hasn't come.

I'm lucky. My sister has kindly taken us in. I didn't need to risk my safety in the van again, but other victims don't have support to lean on.

My situation could have been avoided altogether if I had taken the early alarm bells seriously and listened to my friends 11 years ago, (who have now been driven away because I didn't listen.)

I'm not physically hurt this time, but I am emotional, psychologically and financially scarred. I also have an overly anxious teddy bear of a dog, and a beautiful Daughter to be strong for.

Please don't let this be you. Stop making excuses for him. Leave early. It's not loving, it's torture, and he's wasting your life.

I found journals when I was packing up. I was going to throw them away, and then I hoped, maybe they will help someone else make the decision to leave before it's too late.

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